2011 thus far

This would be my first post of 2011. It's been a long time since I last posted, and being completely honest I had almost completely forgotten about posting, but today I felt the dire need to post something. In actual fact, I felt the dire need yesterday, however I tried to do it via my phone but it wouldn't let me post. So here I am starting all over again.

Basically, longterm relationships are kind of my thing. I seem to hold on even when I shouldn't (not saying that I shouldn't be now). I stay with relationships past their expiry date, and I can see that is exaqctly what I did with my relationship previous to current. This is a typical thing for my type of person, I like security, I like stability and I like knowing where I stand. Long tewrm relationships offer me all of the above, but perhaps this dependant nature is what causes so many problems for me. I actually don't actually remember a stage of my life where I have been "single and free to mingle". I'm not that type and never have been. I have periods when I've been single, but I am not the mingling type. I am friendly, I am easy going and easy to talk to, but I am not easy. So in saying all of this I understand my current boyfriends need to escape sometimes. He does his best, and I know this, but sometimes the way in which he choses to escape, I deem inappropriate. Honestly, I think I put up with a lot that most girls would walk away from (I know this because I have hypothetically asked random girls I have met), and I think that I am, for the most part, a good girlfriend. I know that I am pushy, but that is in my nature because I am constantly striving to push myself and the people around me to do their best, atleast that's what I used to do. As of late I have been somewhat neglecting my role of pushing and have neglected my need to better myself. I promise to begin doing so, as of now.

I am current;y studying Law and Commerce at Auckland. This is something that I never doubted I would enjoy, until I realised how much I was really taking on, on top of being a typical teenager. I have a materialistic quality to me, I cannot live without money, as anyone reading this could understand being that you are probably of an middle-upper class of socio economic grouping, and you have internet. That, and I don't know anyone that is in huge need of financial assistance, and if I did, I would do my best to help, but said person still would not be reading my blog. In all honesty when I was living in the city I was tempted to pick up a homeless woman and take her to my apartment so she could shower and give her some clean clothes. It bothers me that there are these people in society. What kind of person can they have been, to have been completely left by their family and friends, to have been desserted by all those who should have been caring for them, especially in New Zealand. There are so many financial aids and benefits its ridiculous, and yet just down the road from the WINZ office on Queen Street, there are people begging for help, and people begging for money. Sorry, sidetracked. Continuing with previous rant, I cannot live without money. I like eating in nice places (though I'm sure I could remove this from my current living situation if need be), I like being able to wear clothes that I like, and that I know other people will like (especially my boyfriend). I am the type of girl who would rather save for a week and buy a pair of nice shoes than to go and buy a few cheap pairs from the Warehouse. I understand that in some people's views this makes my complaint about having no money to be trivial however, it still stands. I need money, and at the present moment this is something I lack, and is a problem I am in an attempt to solve.

I am at the moment back to living with my mother. For all intensive purposes, this is fine, except that she has adopted three new children under the age of 13 due to a new relationship. I love the kids, and I love her new man, I think they are all wonderful. However living under the same roof as 5 other children, and two parents, is much of a change from anything I have ever been used to, never mind that previous to this I was living in my own apartment, in which I had one person come and stay, my boyfriend. It is a big change, and I don't deal well with crowded places, especially when I'm in an attempt to study, or trying to hold an educated conversation. Therefore I spend as much time as I can away from here. Which is a problem, because I don't study as much as I should and I am disorganised. I have two kittens here with me, which she has threatened to put down (understandably so, they are little ratbags). And so, in turn, I am looking for a new place, my own place, and with a garage to keep the boyfriend happy. With how the market is currently however, it is a struggle to find anything.

Basically. I just wanted to complain about a whole heap of trivial shit, just like every other teenager. None of the real problems actually come out in a blog though do they?

Ryan Barrett

Honestly.
I woudn't do anything to hurt you. I'm not like those other girls, or the people you watch day by day. Don't judge me the way you judge them, or assume I will hurt you the way they have.
You're all I want, and all what I care about.
Please stay.
Just, give it a chance, and try..
I don't want you to change yourself for me, I want you to be happy.
But I want to be the one to make you happy...

Prospect of getting old

Well, the idea of getting old scares me :O
I'm freaking!

Moving on, Samuel Beckett inspires me :)
He's lovely, he writes about nothingness and potentially life.
He writes in circles about nothing and it's beautiful
It's a relaxing experience.

I love Cake, like a fat kid loves... Cake!

I must forgive myself the little things, I must realize that not everything is black and white, that there will always be shades of grey and no one can live in the light all the time.

You can be exactly what you want to be, as long as you inspire yourself to be so...

It is always time to move on, it is always time to carry on. It is never time to stop and wait, because you will never get anything done.

Princess/ Pepper

It's not all that great, growing up and finding yourself with new responsibilities, quite possible responsibilities you don't really understand.
You find it harder to find happiness, because you find it harder to believe, because you find it hard to trust. You find things harder to focus on, you find things more easily slip your mind.

Wrinkles are something you earn by being wise, by spending time.
But who wants to earn something we spend our entire lives despising?

I want to be happy
I want to be proud
I want to be great

Conflict of interests:
Happy, power
Intelligent, fun

There's always a problem in saying goodbye
It is only however impossible if you intend to never say hello again

Good night Princess.

Right.

Fuck this.
You don't deserve to be treated like shit. There is no one in this world that deserves more than you do. You care and you try. You're beautiful, and you're everything I've ever wanted. You're all I want to touch and all I want to feel. There are moments at which I want to strangle you, and moments that I'd like to hold you and never let go.
I will protect you, and I will do whtever I have to for you to be safe. I will give up whatever to see you happy. I will live in whatever fashion or neighbourhood to be with you forever.
I will never forget the blushing, I will never lose the butterflies. You're in every thought I have, and I don't ever want to feel like I don't know that you're okay.
I'm learning to handle things differently, you make me a better person. You saved me from falling a long way, and you held me when I needed it. You were my shoulder, my bridge and my rock.
I could never ask for anything more in anyone than what I find in you.

I FUCKING wish that someone actually had the guts to say something like that.
I wish people could just say how they felt.
I wish people could just be FUCKING honest.
Honest
Loyal
Kind
Caring
but no, we're too fucking selfish for that. Aren't we such a beautiful race?

Circles and shit

Some people have little tight-knit circles that only surround their closest family. These people tend to be over protective, and don't have the ease in understanding or offering advice to friends. This isn't a bad thing, it's just proving that generation by generation we're becoming more selfish.
There are people who have slightly wider circles, involving close friends and family. They tend to be thoughful, slightly more accepting.
Then there are brilliant people, who accept people in the whatever state, to the best of their abilities. These are rare people, and they shouldn't be rare.
There is something about us that is just selfish, child-like almost.
As though, as we come to ignore our parents lessons, we learn to be selfish, think for ourselves, fend for ourselves and be only for ourselves.
Rarely you will find a person who will help whoever, whenever. And that offer support to people they barely know.
Maybe it is a lesson we should all learn, to know that there is nothing better than the feeling in helping someone we care about selflessly.
Everybody craves love and affection, but the love and affection gained from caring for people you love, should be far more than that craving for teenage drama.
If morals were remembered by our generation, and if everyone realised that maybe we could better society ourselves, maybe we'd get somewhere. But then, we're all too selfish for that, aren't we?

Today

Well, today was a mission and a half to get through.
I'm not sure what I'm meant to say about everything that keeps getting fucked up.

Basically
I'm sorry I'm not everything you want,
I'm sorry I don't fight back,
I'm sorry I don't hit hard,
I'm sorry that sometimes I don't feel like being mature,
I'm sorry that sometimes I don't feel like being immature,
I'm sorry that I laugh when I shouldn't
I'm sorry that I whisper when I don't need to,
I'm sorry that I can't just up and leave.
But I'm not sorry I fell in love with you.

I was scared, but not that you would hurt me, that was either going to happen or it wasn't. I was scared about you, I was worried about you when you hit the floor.

There are a lot of things that I need to get over. There are a lot of trust issues I should probably deal with. There are things that I don't trust with you, even if I wish I could. I can't look at you and believe you like I used to, there is too much doubt, there is too much about you that I want to see as good but can't.
Somewhere in there, you are the most amazing person I have ever come across.

I love you for alll your flaws, but I'm realizing that it's not a first for both of us, and it never will be the same for you as it is me, no matter how I try.
I would do it all again.
You're the only person I want touching me. I swear.

xoxo