Confessions of a Teenage... “Dirt bag”

To whom it may concern,

 

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been slightly busy. Working way too much and spending too much money on things I really don't need. I'm glad though, because I'm having fun. And I'm learning a lot, I think my new job has inspired me to grow up a lot, move on from things I held on to. Inappropriate fears, aches and pains are gone. New ones are there, but they aren't petty or childish, more realistic, fears of how I'm going to get where I want to be in 10 years, and whether I really will make it there.

Again, I'm going to take about my mistakes.

I'm not a virgin, I'm not perfect, I'm not always clean and tidy, I don't always look after the things I should, I don't always put the right people first, I sometimes make stupid decisions, but that's the story of every teenager, I've decided that in my own eyes, and in certain other people's eyes, that I should never change, because if I did, no one could love me for who I am, because I wouldn't know who it was. I've lost a lot in the last few months. Very important people to me have been and gone, and people have left footprints in my memories that will never be forgotten. I've been in the ghetto, I've been Peter Pan's Wendy, I've been the new girl and I've been the bitch who stole him. I've been through a lot of stages this year that I'm glad to be over and done with. But there are memories here, things I will treasure forever. 2009 was a real fuck up for me following 2008, but I've pulled the pieces together to start again, properly, in 2010. I think in growing up I'll come to understand why the things happened that did, and why certain things happen. Maybe it's just destiny and fate, I'm not sure I believe in something that draws us into the "meant to be" illusion, but maybe if something is right it just will be, even if you try to stop it. There are certain impulses I've had this year, stupid ones, that I don't regret, but I regret having done in the way that I did. I've been made a better person and I will stay that way, and that makes me feel so much better. That in 2010 I can start things over, not with a clean slate but at least knowing in which direction I'm going, it's comforting. I've made friends this year that will never be lost and never be forgotten. I've grown apart from people I should have held so much closer, but people change, things change, things hurt, shit happens, we survive. I wish I had known all I know now, before this year began, but had I known, life would be too perfect, and with perfection comes disappointment and annoyance, because someone will always let you down. There is no way of knowing who you can trust, and who you can't until you have the experience and that I have learnt to well this year. You can hold onto something that you don't want to lose, but it doesn't mean it won't escape while you're not looking. I've learnt that the past will always be a part of your future, because you can't live it down, I know that, because I will never let go of some of the mistakes I have made, especially recently. Maybe I'm being punished for them, maybe this is just the course of nature, or maybe it really is fate.

I'm proud of myself for pulling myself out of a ditch. But I have to say I've been lying to myself about certain things. I know everything might not be okay, and I know that eventually things will be forgotten that I never want to fade. Things that I miss will become nonexistent and things that I love will disappear. I hope that one day, someone comes looking for their fate, and I hope that one day, I can help someone find it...

 

There is only one guarantee in life, that one day you'll get fucked over and you won't like it.

There is only one truth in life and that is that you will love with all your heart, no matter how it hurts.

Hectic Pieces

I guess it's getting close to Christmas so everyone is freaking out. Suppose that's why I haven't written in so long. Tbh, I'vce just been so busy with everything.

I've finally actually taken action in sorting shit out. I'm sick of sitting around and attempting to prove I'm changing, without doing anything.

In all honesty, I don't think I've yet improved much at all, but I know I'm trying to make it better. I can control myself and I know exactly what I want, and more so how to get it than I did before. I have goals, which help.

I'm just falling to pieces all over again, but that's fine, I don't care about that part anymore. I'm happy in knowing what and who I am. I know that I can be whatever I want if I'm actually certain it's what I want. I've never focused on such a complete change before.

This weekend has been amazing, I've learnt from just two days talking to certain people, and just coming to understand certain situations. I'm happy with what's going on around me. I'm comfortable with where I'm standing. Tbh I don't like feeling alone, and what's strange is that I don't feel alone at all, with out the romance and without the physical side of anything, I don't feel alone and I think it's because I've come to depend on myself, and started loving my friends, just for being friends. I think I respect them more now than I did before, and I treasure what I have more now than I have before. I've been pushed to a limit now, and I think it's about time I jumped just to see where it takes me. I'm being me and nothing else, I just wish everyone had the chance to see it, rather than just the few people who have decided I deserve the chance to try again..

Also starting a new job and being able to rely on being paid has really helped, it's given me the chance to organize my life, and situations, and plan ahead more, which is an obvious bonus..

I plan on getting my license. Bonus.
I plan on getting drunk @ new years with my friends, where ever I am.
I plan to have a car by school next year. One that I like.
I plan to have my Christmas shopping done. Before boxing day.

Things just get more interesting day by day.

Love xo

Life all Wrapped up with a Ribbon for Xmas

Well, I'm over the drama. I know I say it all the time, but I can't keep fighting the same battles constantly. Somethings about me will never be good enough, and that's okay. Everyone is perfect in their own forms, and I don't see why we're all so negative.
People lie, and people don't always understand.
People are two faced yes, but not always to be spiteful, often to protect the ears of the person that they can't talk to face-to-face.
There's no problem for me with dealing with two faced people, I just don't want them as friends.
I have.. experiences, that I can learn from, not only my own but others too. And I have learnt a lot. I think.

I've learnt that the clinging to the past doesn't help, and the waiting for the future gets you nowhere in the present. I know that growing up is inevitable, and we all have to learn things at some point.

I suppose I'm saying I've come to understand that no matter what I do, I won't ever be happy with an imperfect life. Therefore, finding the little perfections is the best I can do. And that makes me happy, that I don't have to look at the big picture to find things that make me happy. Even knowing that I've sorted one situation, or feeling like I'm small and insignificant, it helps. I think it's because I'm my mother's daughter, and we both have this... habit... of getting stuck in bad situations, and not knowing how to get out.

I often say things I don't mean when I mad, they come out in fury, and I would never really mean them. Sometimes I say things, because I know they will hurt. And I won't do this to anyone but the people I love, because I trust them. I suppose I should be more careful in "knowing" they will always come back.

I have extremely low respect levels for people like me, who think they've learnt a lot, but have really gotten nowhere from it. So I guess that means I'm hypocritical. But everyone is at some point. I'm trying really hard to change, and I think that I proved that today, after a... shock... and I'm trying to hold my ground. For that, I'm proud and will say that if I see someone trying to dig themselves out of a hole, I will always be willing to help.