Who said I wasn't changing?

To those who have cared enough to speak up...
You guys have been amazing, in the last few months, or most recently. You guys have tried your best to make things work out better for me in the long run...

Now it's time for me to admit somethings.
I made some mistakes, and kissed people I shouldn't have, and I've probably messed with a few heads in my time. I've not been careful enough with following my heart, and not really using my head. And I've not really taken things like heartbreak too seriously, because I've had mine broken too, and I've learnt to deal with it. I've not realised how selfish I've been, and I've not seen how controlling over things I've been, and I'm sorrry to whoever this has effected. I'm trying to move on from the past things, and I don't expect anyone to forgive me the things I've done, but I'd appreciate it if you could understand that just because you haven't forgiven me, doesn't mean other people can't... I'm trying to pull some things together, not only for myself, but for other people who I care about and that tends to put some pressure on my head, therefore only leaving space for me to act with how I feel.

I'm going through somethings at the moment that I'd like to be thought of as my own things. I'm trying not to include myself in other people's business, and though I'll listen to anyone, I'm not going to take any bull shit for it, and I refuse to take responsibility for someone elses actions, because it's about time I learnt to take responsibility for mine.

Everyone is a major stress point now, and people are starting to show their different colours, rathher than the happy and stress free atmosphere we've had throughout the year, it's far more tense right now. Remeber that.

Anyway, back to the point.. I'm sorry that it's taken me up until this point to realise how... Manipulative and selfish I've been, I'm not going to admit to being a bad person that deserves to go to hell or end up like my "filthy slutty mother" but, I do see that I've done some stupid and bad things, just for the feeling, or the experience. And to those who got caught in the middle. I'm sorry. Thank you for still being here, and thank you for being amazing.

Dedicated to the kids that helped me realise.
Becki, Casse, Bex, Clayton and Jono

Friday Kids

I'm sorry to everyone who got caught on the crossfire of a teenage drama last night...
Fritz
It was your 18th and you spent half the night trying to keep the peace. I know you still had a good night, but I'm apologising for it not being fabulous all night. It was a really good party, and I know everyone had heaps of fun, so it wasn't a complete failure, I'm just glad it didn't get to the stage where it was shut down.

Cassie and Dan
You two stayed out of everything last night, when you could've gotten completely involved, and you both did your own little bits and bobs to keep me together during the night. Maybe we're not as close as best friends. But you two did pretty damn well in making things easier for me last night.

The Army Boys
You too were pretty much amazing last night, AND you took me and my best friend home, a tad tipsy and looked after us, and didn't "park up". It's good ot know that there asren't complete failures in the NZ Army.

Clayton
You stuck up for me last night, and you sat beside me and held me together. There were moments where I worried that I was losing your friendship. But I know now that I couldn't even if I tried. You're an amazing guy, and the best of friends that I could ever ask for. You've been through a lot of shit for me and you've handled the pressure better than most. You pull together the parts I've tried to pull together, and put them together for me properly. You live so far away that I don't know what I'm going to do once you leave again, but I know that I need you around, and I wouldn't let myself lose you. Thank you for coming down this weekend, and thank you for being here for me. Most of all, thank you, for keeping your promises to me...

Eben
I know you were drunk, and your my best friend, I would forgive you anything, you know that. I was angry and I'm sorry for what I said.. Thank you for staying to fix things. I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry that you were put in the middle last night, you know I would never do that intentionally. You're the best of the best for me, because you let me cool down. You know me. Very well. Better than most. It means so much that you've taken that time to get to know me, and instead of just believing what you hear, and taking from it what you want, you look after me, and you didn't walk away when you could have last night. Thank you, so much. I know that it's hard because you're being torn from both sides. I don't want you to have to chose, and I know you know I won't make you.

The Unspeakables
You boys know which you are. You're amazing, even for just being there behind the scenes. I understand the choices you're making, and I'm truly sorry that you're even in this situation. But, you're big boys and I know you can all handle yourselves (:

James, Mitch, Clasby
You boys made me smile last night.
Thank you for not caring.
It was good to have the uninvolved to be around.

Rebekah Clews
Marry me?
You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. You defended me, and held me up, and didn't let me fall to pieces last night when I so easily could have. I love you from falling asleep drunk, to leaping out of my bed topless and stressing that you should've been at work 2 hours ago and needing my car. You have always been there for me, and you have never broken my trust, you make me feel better about everything, and you find the same things amusing as me, and even our death laughs are exactly the same. You're the most fabulous girl I could ever ask to be associated with, and I got you as my best friend. Instead of telling a boy that I don't know what I would be without him, I don't know what I would be without you.
Best friends understand when you say forget it
Wait forever when you say just a minute
Stay by your side when you say "leave me alone"
And listen for hours when you cry on the phone.
It's those times we go crazy and people think we're high.
The times we make each other laugh until we cry.
All the inside jokes and "remember when"s.
Those are the reasons they know that we're best friends.

Slut of the Year (2009)
I have to admit. It's not the nicest title.
But, I know where it came from, and I'm sick of attempting to deny something that so many people think they know about me.
There are rumours, and there are truths. There are somethings that I've done that have been serious fuck ups, but I'm in the process of fixing up and trying to finally start fresh. And I hope that in this mess there are a few people who will take the chance to get to know me before you see 'the title' and run for the hills. Because as many rumours as there are, I'm not the worst that there is.

Pride and Other Shit

I want you to know that it doesn't matter,
where we take this road, someone's gotta go
And I want you to know, that you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone...

I'm proud of you for standing up and saying goodbye, because I wasn't strong enough
Thank you for helping me to grow up


Rebekah Clews
My god girl. You have no idea what you do for me, you literally pulled my pieces together this weekend, and I'll never forget it. Thank you so much, especially for turning around ot let me bottle the prick.
You're amazing, and stunning and I could never ask for one better.

Ryan
Well, welcome back.
I guess.
I'm looking forward to seeing your new latest fuck up.
Just tricks, better luck this time.

Eben
You've been fabulous. You have no idea.
Thank you.

I'm my own best critic

I'm honestly the most stupidly easily excitable girl there is, I'm far too easy distracted by the simplest of things. I pay far too much attention to the things in life that don't need so much attention, and little to that which does. I spend too much time doing my makeup in the morning and doing my hair, bcoz I feel a mess and I want to feel like the princess I won't ever be to anyone else. I do pay too much attention to your friends, and I guess I know I do, but it's bcoz I want you to be comfortable with the fact that I can be aroudn them now, and that you don't need to worry. I'm not leaving you again, I won't. And I can say that without any problems or even second thoughts.

I do look at myself some days and see someone who has enough confidence to take on the world, and I know I'm good at being a bitch when I want to be. I can be manipulative, often without realizing it. I can guilt trip fairly well, and I wish I couldn't, it would be better that way. I do look at some people and think of how they could be better, or I look at them and compare mysef to them, to make myself feel better, or to look for ways to improve, and often that's seen as me looking down on them, but I use them to boost my self esteem, completely unintentionally making them feel horrible.

I don't understand how boys brains work, and I don't try to make sense of certain things. I read too deeply into somethings they say, especially the things he says, and that's probably not fair. I look into things and get suspicious. Sometimes I feel too much for certain things, and I take things too personally.

Sometimes I act like a girl and fall to pieces on the floor, sometimes I cry bcoz it hurts. I do spend the time to think over my thoughts, and I make the effort to be prepared for the worst. Sometimes I feel like the word has been plotting against me all of my life, and I look at the world like it's going to implode and take everything I love, leaving just me to look at everything I've done wrong.

I often get defensive about things that I don't need to defend and sometimes I portray someone that I'm not. A completely false, fake, me, to make me feel stronger. I have lied to keep myself out of trouble, and I have keep things from people to make me seem less useless.

Most of the time my plans don't fall exactly how I want them to, and there are days where I will just give up..


I am my own worst critic. I promise you that.

Love in everyway you can.
Critise yourself before everyone else, that way it's no surprise.

He might be the pimp, but I'm his only Princess

She ain't got shit on me...

How I wish I could solidly say that I deserve to own you for the rest of forever.
I would take you and wrap you up and gift you to myself every year for Christmas.
You are my sun, if it came to chosing I'd be fucking nocturnal.

So some things screw me over, upset me, or annoy me. That's what we're here for.
When you're sick I will be there
When you tired I will carry you (emotionally not physically: though I'd probably try)
I mean it when I say I'm going nowhere far without you.

I have made mistakes, and granted so have you.
We have both hurt each other to breaking point.
But I have forgiven you, and seemingly you have too...

I love you, in the best and most perfect, honourable and loyal way physically possible.

One day... I imagine us on this same trip... In about 20 years... With everything exactly the same... But the circumstances have completely changed..

Live it up -xo