Confessions of a Teenage... “Dirt bag”

To whom it may concern,

 

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been slightly busy. Working way too much and spending too much money on things I really don't need. I'm glad though, because I'm having fun. And I'm learning a lot, I think my new job has inspired me to grow up a lot, move on from things I held on to. Inappropriate fears, aches and pains are gone. New ones are there, but they aren't petty or childish, more realistic, fears of how I'm going to get where I want to be in 10 years, and whether I really will make it there.

Again, I'm going to take about my mistakes.

I'm not a virgin, I'm not perfect, I'm not always clean and tidy, I don't always look after the things I should, I don't always put the right people first, I sometimes make stupid decisions, but that's the story of every teenager, I've decided that in my own eyes, and in certain other people's eyes, that I should never change, because if I did, no one could love me for who I am, because I wouldn't know who it was. I've lost a lot in the last few months. Very important people to me have been and gone, and people have left footprints in my memories that will never be forgotten. I've been in the ghetto, I've been Peter Pan's Wendy, I've been the new girl and I've been the bitch who stole him. I've been through a lot of stages this year that I'm glad to be over and done with. But there are memories here, things I will treasure forever. 2009 was a real fuck up for me following 2008, but I've pulled the pieces together to start again, properly, in 2010. I think in growing up I'll come to understand why the things happened that did, and why certain things happen. Maybe it's just destiny and fate, I'm not sure I believe in something that draws us into the "meant to be" illusion, but maybe if something is right it just will be, even if you try to stop it. There are certain impulses I've had this year, stupid ones, that I don't regret, but I regret having done in the way that I did. I've been made a better person and I will stay that way, and that makes me feel so much better. That in 2010 I can start things over, not with a clean slate but at least knowing in which direction I'm going, it's comforting. I've made friends this year that will never be lost and never be forgotten. I've grown apart from people I should have held so much closer, but people change, things change, things hurt, shit happens, we survive. I wish I had known all I know now, before this year began, but had I known, life would be too perfect, and with perfection comes disappointment and annoyance, because someone will always let you down. There is no way of knowing who you can trust, and who you can't until you have the experience and that I have learnt to well this year. You can hold onto something that you don't want to lose, but it doesn't mean it won't escape while you're not looking. I've learnt that the past will always be a part of your future, because you can't live it down, I know that, because I will never let go of some of the mistakes I have made, especially recently. Maybe I'm being punished for them, maybe this is just the course of nature, or maybe it really is fate.

I'm proud of myself for pulling myself out of a ditch. But I have to say I've been lying to myself about certain things. I know everything might not be okay, and I know that eventually things will be forgotten that I never want to fade. Things that I miss will become nonexistent and things that I love will disappear. I hope that one day, someone comes looking for their fate, and I hope that one day, I can help someone find it...

 

There is only one guarantee in life, that one day you'll get fucked over and you won't like it.

There is only one truth in life and that is that you will love with all your heart, no matter how it hurts.

Hectic Pieces

I guess it's getting close to Christmas so everyone is freaking out. Suppose that's why I haven't written in so long. Tbh, I'vce just been so busy with everything.

I've finally actually taken action in sorting shit out. I'm sick of sitting around and attempting to prove I'm changing, without doing anything.

In all honesty, I don't think I've yet improved much at all, but I know I'm trying to make it better. I can control myself and I know exactly what I want, and more so how to get it than I did before. I have goals, which help.

I'm just falling to pieces all over again, but that's fine, I don't care about that part anymore. I'm happy in knowing what and who I am. I know that I can be whatever I want if I'm actually certain it's what I want. I've never focused on such a complete change before.

This weekend has been amazing, I've learnt from just two days talking to certain people, and just coming to understand certain situations. I'm happy with what's going on around me. I'm comfortable with where I'm standing. Tbh I don't like feeling alone, and what's strange is that I don't feel alone at all, with out the romance and without the physical side of anything, I don't feel alone and I think it's because I've come to depend on myself, and started loving my friends, just for being friends. I think I respect them more now than I did before, and I treasure what I have more now than I have before. I've been pushed to a limit now, and I think it's about time I jumped just to see where it takes me. I'm being me and nothing else, I just wish everyone had the chance to see it, rather than just the few people who have decided I deserve the chance to try again..

Also starting a new job and being able to rely on being paid has really helped, it's given me the chance to organize my life, and situations, and plan ahead more, which is an obvious bonus..

I plan on getting my license. Bonus.
I plan on getting drunk @ new years with my friends, where ever I am.
I plan to have a car by school next year. One that I like.
I plan to have my Christmas shopping done. Before boxing day.

Things just get more interesting day by day.

Love xo

Life all Wrapped up with a Ribbon for Xmas

Well, I'm over the drama. I know I say it all the time, but I can't keep fighting the same battles constantly. Somethings about me will never be good enough, and that's okay. Everyone is perfect in their own forms, and I don't see why we're all so negative.
People lie, and people don't always understand.
People are two faced yes, but not always to be spiteful, often to protect the ears of the person that they can't talk to face-to-face.
There's no problem for me with dealing with two faced people, I just don't want them as friends.
I have.. experiences, that I can learn from, not only my own but others too. And I have learnt a lot. I think.

I've learnt that the clinging to the past doesn't help, and the waiting for the future gets you nowhere in the present. I know that growing up is inevitable, and we all have to learn things at some point.

I suppose I'm saying I've come to understand that no matter what I do, I won't ever be happy with an imperfect life. Therefore, finding the little perfections is the best I can do. And that makes me happy, that I don't have to look at the big picture to find things that make me happy. Even knowing that I've sorted one situation, or feeling like I'm small and insignificant, it helps. I think it's because I'm my mother's daughter, and we both have this... habit... of getting stuck in bad situations, and not knowing how to get out.

I often say things I don't mean when I mad, they come out in fury, and I would never really mean them. Sometimes I say things, because I know they will hurt. And I won't do this to anyone but the people I love, because I trust them. I suppose I should be more careful in "knowing" they will always come back.

I have extremely low respect levels for people like me, who think they've learnt a lot, but have really gotten nowhere from it. So I guess that means I'm hypocritical. But everyone is at some point. I'm trying really hard to change, and I think that I proved that today, after a... shock... and I'm trying to hold my ground. For that, I'm proud and will say that if I see someone trying to dig themselves out of a hole, I will always be willing to help.

It's 'mind' over 'matter'

It's mind over matter...
I don't mind, and you don't matter...

"Mentally Divergent"

There are many things I don't understand...
For example, why Brad Pitt in '12 Monkeys' isn't far more widely known for his brilliant acting.

There are many lessons I've learnt...
For example, you can't chose your family, but you can chose your friends.
Therefore, trust those who don't have the choice, not those that do...

There are many things I've seen...
For example, flies have sex on my plate.

Change it up. Just for the sake of it.

Live it up, bcoz you have the chance.

Wait for it, bcoz it's worth it.

Move on, bcoz it's not.

Controversial thought isn't worth the time.

Feelings always matter.

More than anything, love who you do, and don't who you can't. But let it be your decision, and yours only.

Be mature, more than those who downgrade you.

Be content, more than those who need to find highs.

Be yourself. Through everything. You're the only one who has to face the consequences.

I will remember you...

Funny, How it falls apart

Being completely honest with myself, there's nothing that I wanted more.

I realised a little while how pathetic it is, sitting doing nothing. Working myself to the point where I can't stand. But it's because I couldn't think. Because I knew it would all fall apart.
Not in the childish "this is the end of my life", but in a way that I'm not going to be the same because of the things that have happened you know?

Funny that I'm finally talking about myself, rather than someone else. I'm just glad I've finally got to the point where I can be happy for someone else being happy, not matter what it feels like.

Superman ain't savin' shit.

This isn't something anyone can fix.
It hurts. But I'll be okay.

I love you. Too much I guess.
I wish I had someone to talk to like I had you.
I miss you.
Very much

Back up. Start again. Holy Fuck.

I can't believe it's all falling back again...
It's all coming back again...
It's all back tracking.
FUCK

Don't let me fall.
Please not yet.
I'm not ready to fall again.
It hurts too bad.
I miss things too much.
FUCK

I'm hurting, a lot..
I'm stronger than before..
I guess...
But, I'm not ready to start fresh...
I'll get better though..
I hope..
FUCK

Cassie:
You've been amazing
Shoes up :D

I love you kids lots:
Becki... Bex... Cassie... Claytz... Ebz... Raro...

Too big, too bold. Too afraid.

You have no idea how much people like you piss me off. You have no idea how much I wish I could go back in time and save other people the hassle to going through what they're going through. I'm sick of trying to defend people and failing, especially people who are my family. You have no idea how pissed off I am at the fact you can't take on someone your own fucking size, and I hate the fact that you're so young and pathetic that I can't say shit to you. Maybe it's not your fault, maybe it was your upbringing, maybe it'sjust the way you are. Maybe you can't help it. But fuck, I think you should just fuck off.

I'm sick of the bull shit that goes on around here, I'm sick of seeing young girls turn into plastics and cake faces. I'm sick of not being able to trust my friends, not to stick by me, but to tell the truth. I'm sick of the shit that happens all the time when people don't just fuck off and stay within their own FUCKING business, and I'm sick of people involving me in theirs.
I've defended a few people who don't really deserve it, and I've held up my end to promises with nothing in return. I don't much care about the things they say about me when I have the close friends that I do. But I'm sick of having false impressions of people, and people attempting to cloud my opinions of them.

Yes I can be a bitch, and manipulative. But I know that to my friends, I'm a better friend than you will ever be to yours, because all you do is bitch and moan and I'm sick of it.
You don't deserve my friendship,. no matter how much a treasure you.

You know, I've tried hard the last little while, to fix things. But there are always problems. Like people who can't just fuck off and shut up.
If you hear something from me, then make sure you get the right fucking story, because I'm sick of getting two sides thrown back at me. Both of which are wrong

Thank you to those people who have the guts and the caring nature to ask before the judge the situation. For those who do, stay the fuck away from me, and stop faking it. You're bitches, face up to it, atleast then you can have other bitch friends.

Thank you Bex.

Ali and Mitch's System of Life

Reality
Existance: Nothing would exist, therefore it is complete reality
Chaos: With complete chaos, come form of equality would form it's own rules
Perfection: Everyone is perfect
Hunger: Food is needed
Reproduction: Needed to keep the population continuing
Instincts: No thought process or feelings involved
Sense: No thought process
Moments of maturity: Developing maturity over time, different perceptions
Mechanics: Laws of physics; development; continuation
Hitler's theory: Eventual Equality, solve worlds problems, hunger, overpopulation
Romeo and Juliet's theory: Individualsim; aspires to eb themselves
Ali and Mitch
Crazy Lady

Borderline
Control: Someone else (Insanity), Something else (Reality)
Inspiration: Part feeling, part Impulse
Music: Feelings towards perference, but alos impulse to what suits you best
Ideas portrayed by Fiction
Christianity: Part feeling, part theory
Evolution: Part feeling, part proven theory
Coincidence and Change: Reality is somethings are chance,, but it is a feeling towards fate
Normal People
Philosophers

Insanity
Feelings: No need, completely insane
Actions: Thoughtful, involved
Fetish: A feeling or want towards something
Racism: An uninvolved, and unparralled feeling
Sex: Not a need, more something we've become accustomed to
Obsession: A complete craving for something
Romeo and Juliet's Family theory: Discipline, Control over someone else, and thoughtless cruelty
Taste: A preference
Characters: Fictional, no background, no reality
Love and Hate: Relationshipd, not needed
Perceptions of Perfection: How each person perceives a form of perfection
Superiority: Wanting, craving, taking control
Anarchy: Complete misunderstanding of Chaos
Generes of Maturity: Different perceptions of different types of maturity
Hitler
Grand Theft Auto Guy
Boy who steals food

If only I was invisible

There are some points where I wish I could be invisible, for hundreds of different reasons.
To see what's really going on in people's conversations about me
To understand why people do what they do
So I can throw something and they'd never know it was me

If I was invisible it'd make things a fuck load easier for a lot of people, a lot less stress and tension and certain people. But basically I'm sick of the petty drama, everyone has something serious to stress about at some points, but I think people are so overdramatic, and so fabulous at jumping to conclusions, and believing rumours, that it's really causing some problems. I'm sick of being the one to try and take the heat off a situation. Sometimes I feel like pouring gasoline on the fire and watching it burn, but I've never really done that. I've only ever been that angry at someone when it's been the person I love the most. Just like everyone, I think we treat the people we love, the best, and the worst. Bcoz we trust that they understand that we have no other way to deal with it.

I'm having a few major trust issues right now, bcoz the people I trust the most, seem to talk and spread things that don't make me feel like I should trust them at all. In their defense they are trying to protect me, but seriously, I'd prefer nothing be said at all. I'd prefer I wasn't the topic of conversation, and I'd prefer to be left to live my own life in my own way, if you see me fucking up, maybe take my hand and guide me somewhere better, but if it's just that you feel like getting in the way then fuck off and let my real friends be there for me. Don't fake friendships to make you look or feel better. I think that's poor a pathetic. I'm proud of myself in saying that, the people I'm friends with, I ladore for who they are, not what group they come from..

Thanks for being the only thing to keep my feet firmly on the groud.
You're pretty much the fabulous thing.

Shit happens

Only a few of you know what I'm talking about, and I guess you should know that means I trust you with the secrets of my life.
For everyone else, there are rumours that come and go, but only decent people will stop to ask what really happened, so thanks to those.

I'm scared, of what happens next, I'm scared of what I'm going to do.
I think I'm mostly scared of telling Mum.
This is my decision, and my decision only.
This is my drama, and my story.
And I hope everyone respects that and leaves me to my own little world.

I'm sorry for the mistakes I made, but there's nothing I can regret.
Bcoz, with regrets come sorrow, and now is not the time for me to feel sorrow for the past.

You are all perfect in your own little way, and I hope that everyone one day finds their own contentment.

Everything's fine.. Just fine..

How much should I miss this?

You know, there are many things I miss...
I miss being around my best friend in Primary, and dancing in the garage in our PJs.
I miss being the interesting, and unreadable girl that could get through anything alone.
I miss my family the way it was when we were all happy and got along.
But nothing stays that way, bcoz we need the challenges.
Supposing it;s time that I learnt that there's nothing I can change about the past, and all I can do is make the present the best I can.
Therefore, I won't forget anything, bcoz there are all different parts of my life that I loved... I will just, push further past the not so great things.

Once again, thanks to those who have supported me.

Just so you know, you were important, and, I miss your friendship x

Who said I wasn't changing?

To those who have cared enough to speak up...
You guys have been amazing, in the last few months, or most recently. You guys have tried your best to make things work out better for me in the long run...

Now it's time for me to admit somethings.
I made some mistakes, and kissed people I shouldn't have, and I've probably messed with a few heads in my time. I've not been careful enough with following my heart, and not really using my head. And I've not really taken things like heartbreak too seriously, because I've had mine broken too, and I've learnt to deal with it. I've not realised how selfish I've been, and I've not seen how controlling over things I've been, and I'm sorrry to whoever this has effected. I'm trying to move on from the past things, and I don't expect anyone to forgive me the things I've done, but I'd appreciate it if you could understand that just because you haven't forgiven me, doesn't mean other people can't... I'm trying to pull some things together, not only for myself, but for other people who I care about and that tends to put some pressure on my head, therefore only leaving space for me to act with how I feel.

I'm going through somethings at the moment that I'd like to be thought of as my own things. I'm trying not to include myself in other people's business, and though I'll listen to anyone, I'm not going to take any bull shit for it, and I refuse to take responsibility for someone elses actions, because it's about time I learnt to take responsibility for mine.

Everyone is a major stress point now, and people are starting to show their different colours, rathher than the happy and stress free atmosphere we've had throughout the year, it's far more tense right now. Remeber that.

Anyway, back to the point.. I'm sorry that it's taken me up until this point to realise how... Manipulative and selfish I've been, I'm not going to admit to being a bad person that deserves to go to hell or end up like my "filthy slutty mother" but, I do see that I've done some stupid and bad things, just for the feeling, or the experience. And to those who got caught in the middle. I'm sorry. Thank you for still being here, and thank you for being amazing.

Dedicated to the kids that helped me realise.
Becki, Casse, Bex, Clayton and Jono

Friday Kids

I'm sorry to everyone who got caught on the crossfire of a teenage drama last night...
Fritz
It was your 18th and you spent half the night trying to keep the peace. I know you still had a good night, but I'm apologising for it not being fabulous all night. It was a really good party, and I know everyone had heaps of fun, so it wasn't a complete failure, I'm just glad it didn't get to the stage where it was shut down.

Cassie and Dan
You two stayed out of everything last night, when you could've gotten completely involved, and you both did your own little bits and bobs to keep me together during the night. Maybe we're not as close as best friends. But you two did pretty damn well in making things easier for me last night.

The Army Boys
You too were pretty much amazing last night, AND you took me and my best friend home, a tad tipsy and looked after us, and didn't "park up". It's good ot know that there asren't complete failures in the NZ Army.

Clayton
You stuck up for me last night, and you sat beside me and held me together. There were moments where I worried that I was losing your friendship. But I know now that I couldn't even if I tried. You're an amazing guy, and the best of friends that I could ever ask for. You've been through a lot of shit for me and you've handled the pressure better than most. You pull together the parts I've tried to pull together, and put them together for me properly. You live so far away that I don't know what I'm going to do once you leave again, but I know that I need you around, and I wouldn't let myself lose you. Thank you for coming down this weekend, and thank you for being here for me. Most of all, thank you, for keeping your promises to me...

Eben
I know you were drunk, and your my best friend, I would forgive you anything, you know that. I was angry and I'm sorry for what I said.. Thank you for staying to fix things. I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry that you were put in the middle last night, you know I would never do that intentionally. You're the best of the best for me, because you let me cool down. You know me. Very well. Better than most. It means so much that you've taken that time to get to know me, and instead of just believing what you hear, and taking from it what you want, you look after me, and you didn't walk away when you could have last night. Thank you, so much. I know that it's hard because you're being torn from both sides. I don't want you to have to chose, and I know you know I won't make you.

The Unspeakables
You boys know which you are. You're amazing, even for just being there behind the scenes. I understand the choices you're making, and I'm truly sorry that you're even in this situation. But, you're big boys and I know you can all handle yourselves (:

James, Mitch, Clasby
You boys made me smile last night.
Thank you for not caring.
It was good to have the uninvolved to be around.

Rebekah Clews
Marry me?
You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. You defended me, and held me up, and didn't let me fall to pieces last night when I so easily could have. I love you from falling asleep drunk, to leaping out of my bed topless and stressing that you should've been at work 2 hours ago and needing my car. You have always been there for me, and you have never broken my trust, you make me feel better about everything, and you find the same things amusing as me, and even our death laughs are exactly the same. You're the most fabulous girl I could ever ask to be associated with, and I got you as my best friend. Instead of telling a boy that I don't know what I would be without him, I don't know what I would be without you.
Best friends understand when you say forget it
Wait forever when you say just a minute
Stay by your side when you say "leave me alone"
And listen for hours when you cry on the phone.
It's those times we go crazy and people think we're high.
The times we make each other laugh until we cry.
All the inside jokes and "remember when"s.
Those are the reasons they know that we're best friends.

Slut of the Year (2009)
I have to admit. It's not the nicest title.
But, I know where it came from, and I'm sick of attempting to deny something that so many people think they know about me.
There are rumours, and there are truths. There are somethings that I've done that have been serious fuck ups, but I'm in the process of fixing up and trying to finally start fresh. And I hope that in this mess there are a few people who will take the chance to get to know me before you see 'the title' and run for the hills. Because as many rumours as there are, I'm not the worst that there is.

Pride and Other Shit

I want you to know that it doesn't matter,
where we take this road, someone's gotta go
And I want you to know, that you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone...

I'm proud of you for standing up and saying goodbye, because I wasn't strong enough
Thank you for helping me to grow up


Rebekah Clews
My god girl. You have no idea what you do for me, you literally pulled my pieces together this weekend, and I'll never forget it. Thank you so much, especially for turning around ot let me bottle the prick.
You're amazing, and stunning and I could never ask for one better.

Ryan
Well, welcome back.
I guess.
I'm looking forward to seeing your new latest fuck up.
Just tricks, better luck this time.

Eben
You've been fabulous. You have no idea.
Thank you.

I'm my own best critic

I'm honestly the most stupidly easily excitable girl there is, I'm far too easy distracted by the simplest of things. I pay far too much attention to the things in life that don't need so much attention, and little to that which does. I spend too much time doing my makeup in the morning and doing my hair, bcoz I feel a mess and I want to feel like the princess I won't ever be to anyone else. I do pay too much attention to your friends, and I guess I know I do, but it's bcoz I want you to be comfortable with the fact that I can be aroudn them now, and that you don't need to worry. I'm not leaving you again, I won't. And I can say that without any problems or even second thoughts.

I do look at myself some days and see someone who has enough confidence to take on the world, and I know I'm good at being a bitch when I want to be. I can be manipulative, often without realizing it. I can guilt trip fairly well, and I wish I couldn't, it would be better that way. I do look at some people and think of how they could be better, or I look at them and compare mysef to them, to make myself feel better, or to look for ways to improve, and often that's seen as me looking down on them, but I use them to boost my self esteem, completely unintentionally making them feel horrible.

I don't understand how boys brains work, and I don't try to make sense of certain things. I read too deeply into somethings they say, especially the things he says, and that's probably not fair. I look into things and get suspicious. Sometimes I feel too much for certain things, and I take things too personally.

Sometimes I act like a girl and fall to pieces on the floor, sometimes I cry bcoz it hurts. I do spend the time to think over my thoughts, and I make the effort to be prepared for the worst. Sometimes I feel like the word has been plotting against me all of my life, and I look at the world like it's going to implode and take everything I love, leaving just me to look at everything I've done wrong.

I often get defensive about things that I don't need to defend and sometimes I portray someone that I'm not. A completely false, fake, me, to make me feel stronger. I have lied to keep myself out of trouble, and I have keep things from people to make me seem less useless.

Most of the time my plans don't fall exactly how I want them to, and there are days where I will just give up..


I am my own worst critic. I promise you that.

Love in everyway you can.
Critise yourself before everyone else, that way it's no surprise.

He might be the pimp, but I'm his only Princess

She ain't got shit on me...

How I wish I could solidly say that I deserve to own you for the rest of forever.
I would take you and wrap you up and gift you to myself every year for Christmas.
You are my sun, if it came to chosing I'd be fucking nocturnal.

So some things screw me over, upset me, or annoy me. That's what we're here for.
When you're sick I will be there
When you tired I will carry you (emotionally not physically: though I'd probably try)
I mean it when I say I'm going nowhere far without you.

I have made mistakes, and granted so have you.
We have both hurt each other to breaking point.
But I have forgiven you, and seemingly you have too...

I love you, in the best and most perfect, honourable and loyal way physically possible.

One day... I imagine us on this same trip... In about 20 years... With everything exactly the same... But the circumstances have completely changed..

Live it up -xo

Lost Puppy. Going to a good home (:

I've never fekt this alone, this down, this.. weird? before.
I've always been one to deal with things as the come and have a goal in mind, and just, getting there, and managing things, but lately I've been letting things get on top of me. And I don't know what it is that's caused it, but I can't do anything to make myself feel better, today I cried, infront of someone I didn't really want to see me down buzz, because to him I was the happy and high girl. That's changed, as has my own opinion on my strength and awareness.
I can't cope with everything. I'm not super women as much as I like to think I am.
I don't have much to say about myself, but in my defense I'm trying with everything I'm doing. I'm thinking first, talking about things, and discussing how things might work out. I can't say I'm doing perfectly, but I'm trying and that has to count for something.
I'm nothing near perfect, and probably nothing near as good of a person as you deserve, but you mean so much to me that I can't let go, and I want you to see the best in me, I don't know what it is you see that keeps you here. I see me, and I'm not that gorgeous, I'm not overly intelligent, I'm nothing special, and I'm not as good as what you are in anything. I don't push to best in anything. I'm not especially confident, or attractive, or smart, or athletic, or even caring. I'm not anythign special compared to you. I don't kno how else to tell you this, but that I'm trying to compare to you, and as much as it isn't working, I hope you see how hard I'm trying to be as good as I can be. I don't mean to push you away when I'm scared. I don't mean to make you feel like you aren't good enough, that's more me fearing losing you. I never meant for you to feel like you were foring me, that's never been true, you couldn't force me into anything, you would never have to, because soon and close enough, it doesn't matter whether I didn't think it was a good idea. You're the person that I love, and the person that I want. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you.. And I'm quite sure most other people know it.

My opinions and my beliefs are my own, and you can condemn me for it, if you feel that way inclined, but just so you know, your religion goes against that. Because the only person who has the right to condemn people is God himself, and I don't believe I ever heard him giving any other person that right. Jesus was his son, and even he didn't go around telling people they were condemned. It's nothign to do with us, the beliefs and feelings of other people. You can't change how people think, or who people are, so stop trying. You might yell and shout, but you can't force someone to listen. And there is nothing to say that I won't try to fix things myself, I've been raised well enough to generally know right from wrong and to be completely honest I was taught it was rude to involve myself in someone else's business. And I don't think my beliefs and my eternal being fall into categories of things that are your business, at all. So fuck off and be a teacher, not a fucking priest.

I wish you knew how much I miss you. You were amazing tome, you never let me fall in the short time that we were together, and though we weren't connected so much as other people are, you were something special to me. I will never forget what you were. I can't change what has happened, but I know you are thinking of me, like I'm thinking of you. I love you.

I wish there was someone that truly understood the shit I talk, and the shit I do.
I don't say things that aren't true, I say things that don't make sense.
I don't do horrible things, I just do, uncommon things.

I don't want to be weird, I want to be different
I don't want to be there, I want to be where you are
I guess I just want to be allowed to be me...

B A B Y C A K E S

Well, I'm trying to become a new version of me.. And no matter what people say, it's not that you are changing me, it's that I am chosing to change the things I do, so that you are happier, bcoz that's the way it should be. I don't want you to be upset, and I realise that I've made mistakes, many rather than few, but, that's what has happened and I'm sorry. I will fix what I can, and I will push what I can to change it.
I'm sorry that there are things I need to change, but I have been to a point where there was no where for me to turn, and I don't want to be back there again.. And that's where I end up without you. I'm scared to lose you and everyone else knows it. I'm learning still, getting back to being used to being yours. I'm learning to be what you want, there are things I'm trying to change, things I'm learning to change.
Fuck, I told my best friend that if you didn't come I wasn't going, to her 18th, that has to mean something.
You're everything to me, and so many other people see it. But I'm trying to make them see the amazing person I see, rather than only letting them see me when I'm hurt by you, I try to show them how happy I am with you, bcoz I am.. You do make me happy. We have our moments, but all in all, I don't need anything else.

I wish I could show you how I felt in a way that didn't involve you needing to do anything, i.e. be patient enough to see a situation in which I can show you I'm changing.
I'm trying so hard.
I just wish you could see it.
I wish I could prove it.

I'm going against everything, and bcoz it's for you I don't care.
They will deal with it.
Bcoz they have to.

I'm scared.
Scared to lose you.
Scared to hurt you.
Scared for what comes next..

*hands raised steps backwards*

Shit just carries on moving along like usual. It’s not as if we get a choice, we push on like normal, everyday life. Even when everything isn’t okay we carry on smiling and carry on doing our daily tasks. We’re shown as weak if we aren’t able to cope with the shit that life hands us sometimes.
*Hands raised steps backwards*
I seem to be saying sorry a lot lately, ever since I started changing myself back to who I should be, I know you see me as a potential, rather than what I really am now. Changing as I can, and being who I can, there is nothing I can’t and won’t change for you. I don’t think you understand what you’re doing to me, and it’s not in a bad way. You’re changing me, and it’s hurting, and I’m realising things, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.
I’ve come to realise in the last few days that there are things that I can’t handle. As much as I wish I was superwomen, I can’t be. As much as I wish I could be the one that you deserve, I can’t be. As much as I wish that things were different, I can’t change it.
I miss the old days where candy and swings were the highlights in life, and the worst pain was your pet fish dying. I have no idea where the innocence went, when everything that I loved as a kid lost its interest. I don’t know where the things I loved went, and where the feeling I could be anything I wanted to be went. I used to think of growing up like a slide, its boring waiting at the top, and then when you’re sliding it is so much fun, and then you get old and the ride stops. It’s more like a rollercoaster, it has its ups and downs, it has its moments where you want to throw up, and moments where you’re the most excited you’ve ever been, and then it comes to a stop. There’s nothing we can do to stop the ups and downs, as much as we wish we could always be at a high point, we have to fall. Some people seem to fall more than others, some people have more highs than others, there is nothing you can do to change the course of your life, but rather, be inspired by those at a high point to be happy, and to appreciate your own life’s high points.
I would hold you close.
I would let you into my life.
I would tell you everything.
I would give you everything.
If only I could hold, let, tell and give you everything.
What am I talking about?
You already have all of me.
You’re right, I should be there to continually support and cherish you rather than give my opinion on situations that you’re in when you’re in them. I’m sorry. I’m learning.

Us Against the World

I know it may not feel like it sometimes, but it really is us against the world, and I can promise you that. I will fight for you, whenever and for whatever. I hope you trust that now. I wish I could understand the things that go on between us, the pain that we cause each other, but I don't. You're amazing. And I know I'm lucky to have you. Even when you're angry, even when you're upset, I don't care, I'm lucky to have someone who holds on to me, and cares about me, enough to apologise for starting a fight, or even just getting angry.
You have no idea how important you are to me, and I probably have no clear idea of how you feel either, but I have it stuck in my head, that I love you, and you love me, and neither of us are going anywhere.

There is never a moment that I want to be without you.
There is never a second that I don't think of you.
There is never a day that goes by without me smiling, just because I have you.

Thank you, just for being you, and everything that comes with that.



Thankies ot my acting crew (:
You kids are brilliant..

Raises hands and takes a step back
I'm sorry for hurting you. I wish I could take it all back.
Right from the beginning if that would save you, from what I've done to you.
But then I never could. I love you too much.

Only what I wish I could be

Well, to be completely honest, I’ve said a lot of things on this blog that have been hypocritical, where I can’t really say that it’s not something I haven’t already done, or experienced. There are a lot of things I’ve talked about that I have already done to someone else. I wouldn’t classify it as experience; I would classify it as previous pain, something I’ve been through. It’s not something I would wish upon anyone else. It’s something I would hope that other people can learn from. Don’t expect too much loyalty from your friends, expect it only from those you know love you. Don’t expect too much decency from people who don’t know you, because you will just be let down. Find those in your life that you can depend on, to keep your secrets, and to love you for who you are. Find those people that respect you and understand your decisions, whether they agree or disagree will stick by you and be true to you.
There is nothing I can say to make you understand what I mean by a lot of the things I say. But in some way, I hope I can convince you to live your life for you, and to love your life, because you deserve to be loved for the things you do.
I have learnt something recently. There is nothing you can do alone to keep yourself out of the bitching atmosphere at high school. But, however, if you can find those people who you can trust, I think as a group maybe the bitching can be somewhat controlled. I truly believe that, if everyone believed and stuck to the same morals, the world would turn more smoothly. I miss the old days, where if it belonged to a friend, you wouldn’t take it. If it wasn’t yours to take, you’d leave it alone. If we all had our priorities set like they should be, maybe our involvement in things that don’t have anything to do with us could stop. Maybe, if we all thought about the aggravation bitching causes, and how it’s made us feel, we’d stop.
Three things: Think first, Know first, Take Responsibility.
But is it that simple? If we all decided to think about how someone would feel before we spoke, if we took it upon ourselves to find out the truth before we turned to gossip, if we all took responsibility for the things we had done, and the things we had said. If only we all could. If only the world was forgiving enough to let people be honest and make mistakes and learn from them. Instead there are people that feel they have to lie, or tell half truths to make sure their tracks are covered, people who run from their wrong decisions.
I am tired of running. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of not being allowed to be me.

Bru, you don't even know

Well it's been an interesting few days.

Not even two days and shits already falling apart.

You aren't here for a few days and everything seems to get messed.

I never expected these things to happen

I neever expected for things to come back

I never did anything good enough for Karma to grant me this, to grant me you.

I'm not even sure that I deserve anything to do with you.

I wish I knew, I wish I knew which way to turn.

Who to turn to..

I wish I knew exactly what I felt..

Cassie and Tilly

You two saved me

Not even kidding

Becki babes

I love you

Thank you

Save me?

Public Declaration

"Is it what you want? To be a hero? To come and save the day, and live forever."

"Is it what you want? To make the change for good?"

"It's what I want, to be a hero"

"Because you matter to me, do I matter to you?"

-New Empire-

I never meant to do the things I've done the way I've done them

And from now, I intend to be seen as changed.

I will apologise to those who deserve it

I'm trying a new thing,

Where I don't fall to whatever needs are shown to me

And I don't push myself for other people, but rather for myself, and my future

There are people in my life right now that I would not lose for the world.

But there are also people that I have to lose, because they are not right for me,

or they are being hrut by me, and I am only making things worse

No one in my life should over rule my friends, but in all honesty there will be people that do.

Being completely honest:

I have always been the excitable, easy distracted, easy thrown girl

I don't often take complete responsibility for things I should

I often ignore things I shouldn't

And I have been known to run in the opposite direction from things that hurt

I have also been the girl who has screwed things up, because I don't think things through and I just fly through decisions

But these are things I'm trying to change..

There is nothing that I can do to change what I've done

But I will make an attempt at change..

I don't regret the things I've done.

I'm proud of myself for trying, I am not proud of myself for the way in which I tried

Stress Less Princess (:

Lovely Really

"A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preeminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness"

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."- Mother Teresa

Had I found love, surely it would still be here.

Therefore it is not true love I have found, merely potiental love

That fooled me into believing there was more to me than there is

That fooled me into thinking there is nothing more scarce than what I had

Leaving me with many problems, over come by nothing but the pure want to keep that which was so scarce to me

Whether love be representeed simply by the word, or by a rose, or by a colour

Love is only truly love if you can pin your life on it

Does that mean that everyone who can say they love someone else is a Liar?

No, I don't think so, I think love is commonly used, to commonly misunderstood to be caring.

Love is possibly just misunderstood for the strongest of attractions.

I think love is more than just a word, flower or colour.

I think it's the way you act, the way you are, and even who you are to that person.

More than just the fact you can speak it out loud.

I never did believe in fairytale romances, not from the time I was little

But more I believed that two poeple could make each other that happy.

That two people could match to the point of the exact moment they fell for eachother

I don't think love could be described by anyone, but rather understood as being, the most precious gift God could give us..

God lets us into this world alone, and intends us to leave it alone to..

But he leads us into battles during our lives, that inspire us to be better and to come out stronger

Rather he inspires us to see, love and care.

Stress Less Princess (:

The New Kids In Town

Cassie
Wow, you amaze me. Your ability to act inspires me. Your ability to be yourself stuns me.
Thank you for sticking by me through my new found decision

Cake
I'm glad we're back, especially now. Now that I know my friends are more important to me than anything else.

Tbh, I'm sick of the pettiness...
I'm sick of having to pretend to abide by your rules, just because you think you own me. I'll try be decent, sure I'll try be friends, but I'm sick of the poeple in my life who won't just leave and let shit roll on. I'm proud to say I've been the bigger person in my life lately. I've said goodbyes and asked people back into my life. I've been truthful, and I've been open and I've not lead anyone to believe things that aren't true. I've pushed myself into a place where those that don't matter to me, are no longer a part of me, and those that do matter, will stay there.
I know you think I'll chose your friendship over anything, but be careful how far you push it, because if I find you using this against me, I can't be yet another door mat.
I refuse to be just another girl on another boys list.


Stress Less Princess (:

A Moment I Could've Been Dreaming

Shit.

I swear I could've been dreaming, for that moment, just that moment was perfect.

I come back to reality and think shit what a mess. But doesn't everyone have those days?

I think everyone should be so much more free. Free to their own opinions and free to do their own thing. Because when you follow where your heart takes you it might lead you to the most brilliant things. You never know where you'll end up, whether or not you take into account this that and the other, and try to calculate the risks and what the consequences ans the outcome will be, you can't tell someone exactly where they will be if they make a certain decision. Nothing is set in stone, because every mistake can be apologised for, everybody has a decisionto make, and those decisions, the important little one's are the one's that define you. And by being free, we make those decisions in our own light, and I think that's really important, because no one knows exactly how you feel, there's no one who's felt what you feel and there's no one who can tell you how you sould feel, because when they do, it's not going to make any situation any easier.

If everyone was free to be their own person, then everyone could cope, be happy and stick to their own business.

Would you be a happier person if there wasn't continually other people to include in the equation because of how involved they've decided to be. God knows I would be. I would be so much more comfortable with myself and every decision I made if I knew that it wasn't a decision that wasn't going to taint everybodies opinions of me.

Friends, stay friends and let your friends be free

Boyfriends and girlfriends should be free to be themselves with each other

And best friends, don't ever change who you are to suit someone else, because your best friends will love you always any way..

For those much more complicated decisions, where it isn't possible to be free. Rely on those that you can rely on. Be careful who they are. Because as I've learnt in the last few weeks, those you think you can rely on, might turn out not to be so great.

As if you're in a dream?

It's feeling completelt free, and knowing you're completely comfortable...

thanks x

If it's not yours. Fuck off.

If it's not your business don't get involved. If it's not hurting then don't say anything. If you don't care, why does it matter? What is it with everyone needing to be involved in everything?
I see people defending people because they geniunely care, and then there's people that defend people just for the sake of being involved in somebody else's business.
I will always stand up for my friends, and I respect peopel that do the same. But don't get into something that isn't your own if you have no ground to stand on. Especially with someone who won't back off.

I'm sick of backstabbing friends who just can't control themselves when it comes to bitching, or spilling one of your closest secrets. Trust has become too easy to gain, and too easily lost. Trust isn't something that should be taken lightly and I'm sick of people who don't care who the fuck opver on their way to the "spotlight". I understnad that some people will just have some problems with going full steam ahead, like the "express train" theory. But there's nothing anyone can do about that. When you're moving fast to get somewhere, it doesn't mean you can take out everyone that gets in your way on the way there.
Respect the fact that people have secrets for a reason and that people will always be poeple.
You have no right to try and over rule someone elses life, and you have no reason to try to be someone who can intimidate and manipulate people into being who yuo want them to be.
I'm proud of myself for the friends I've found, and I'm proud of my friends, who have been stadning next to me, and I know you get shit for it, I know sometimes it gets hard, but the trade mark of a true friend is someone who will walk in, even if the rest of the world is running out.

I don't intend this blog to offend anyone. I want everyone to see, that people don't deserve to be controlled, and people should be left alone to lead their own lives, people should be left to make their own decisions with the support of their friends, not their backstabbing problems, and their pushing to stop your wrong decision. People will always have to learn some lessons the hard way, even if you try to warn them..
Trust me I know from the last year and a halfs experience, that no matter how you are warned you want to try it for yourself. Most of the time because you want to prove everyone wrong, and that you're better than the others who have tried. To the people who take those risks, I can tell you that sometimes you disappointed and maybe you'll wish you had listened to those friends, but, all in all, you learn a fuck load of lessons, and you do become a stronger person. You'll discover who your true friends are, and the people who will chose their other half, or just the more exciting side. Your true friends are the one's who will walk into a fight holding your hand and stumble out of it carrying you. It can't be defined whether this friend should be of the same sex or a different sex. But thanks to general discrimination and bitching it has become difficult to be close to a guy without being accussed of being something you aren't. A slut, possibly.

No body deserves to have their life ruled by someone else, because there is no way they have gone through everythign and come out perfedct, maybe there are some of their mistakes you can learn from.. A best friend can see how her friend suffers and learn the lesson that way, or make the same mistakes and learn again. There's nothing you can do to change that, it's something you have to deal with.
As much as we all wish we could save the one's we love from pain we can't. And as much as we hate to endur the pain of watchign them get hurt and suffer, there is nothing you can do but support their decision to try and be the one to prove everyone wrong.

I hoep you find that friend.
I hope you are the best one yet.
I hope you prove everyone wrong.

To Misreaders

So far, everything I've said has been just blogging. Getting thoughts down and out of my head. Therefore they won't make sense to everyone, and there seems to have been some that have been... Mislead.

I'm not going to take time to explain myself about the things I've said, but in all honesty, there's a lot of it that you won't understand. It'd be like trying to read my thoughts, there are very few who really know what I'm talking about. And there are a few parts of my blog that seem to have been read as though I was meaning them for you when I wasn't.

Just so "you" know. There were a few parts you may have misread to have been about someone else. And it was actually about you. Atleast one part that you wouldn't have known was about you. I'm pretty sure of that. So if you ever read it again, there are about four lines, in one of my entries, that was actually for you.. You're a good guy, and I'm sorry if today tainted what I am.

You're an amazing boyfriend, and you treat me with a respect, probably more than I deserve.

Probably more than most girls will ever deserve. You're still growing up, and you've been lucky not to go through somethings, that others have gone through. You're still innocent in some senses, and that's not some thing I ant to change, and it's not something that should change. Not for a long time, Hence the no sex before marriage. The reason I didn't want you to read this blog is because there were a lot of times where I needed to clear my head, and this is what I used. I also used it to pass time at one point, so somethings won't make sense to you. I'm a girl, you wouldn't understand, even if you were my homoexual best friend, and that's saying something.

I need you to see that there is a lot of shit going on, not only between me and people at school, but other shit as well. And there always will be because of my "express train" theory. There are parts of my head that won't ever make sense to you. I should know, they don't make sense to me. But you've been good to me and that's what counts. So even if I make the wrong decision, I want you to know that you're a really good guy, and any girl (especially me) is lucky to have your attention as often as I do. Second to your Granny.

I don't want to hurt you, and it's something that actually scares me, I don't want to upset you, but sometimes I'm stubborn, sometimes I won't listen, sometimes I;ll go against everything because I want to, just for the sake of it. Other times I'll do things that I feel I have to do, because that's who I am. I go with impulses which are sometimes the wrong ones. I push against people I shouldn't and I trust people that possibly don't deserve it.

I know you will do everything you can not to hurt me, and I will too it's just that my voice is seemingly less believable.

There are things that have happened today that might affect us, that might really fuck us up for awhile, but I don't ever want you to think that was my intention. I want this to work, I do. And I hope you know that.

I'm continually telling myself that if I give it time, things will work, and maybe that isn't the case, but it's what we can work towards. If I ever make you unhappy please tell me, because I'll fix it, or I'll apologise and do what I can, and I won't do it again.

I can't promise you results from this, it's a blog, but I can promise you that I'll try.

I'm sick of people getting in the way and throwing in their opinions. You make me pretty damn happy. And I hope I do the same for you for as long as I can..

In All Honesty

I told you I'd be honest, so I'm going to be honest. I adore you to bits and pieces, but my ex is in my head continually, and now there's someone else whos just helping me sort my head. And everything's coming together, to a point where I can't handle how different we are. We aren't as perfect for each other as I orginally thought. Maybe I just need some time to adjust, maybe I just need space for awhile, to sort myself out. But I'm not willing to ask you for those things, because I might end up hurting you, and I'd rather break your young and flexible teenage heart, than wait until we've been through shit and then do it. I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just thinking out loud.

You're amazing to me, you make me laugh and you're fun to be around, but there are so many things I can't deal wiht sometimes. Like when I've not had a good day, you can't tell like he always could. His moods always suited mine, maybe that came over time, I don't remember. There are little things you do that irritate me, things that shouldn't. I suppose there will be those things with every guy, but I can't persist in something that isn't comfortable. I loved being friends with you, sittin gin the back of my car, talking about life, and situations, and starting to get to know each other. I think we moved far too quickly from the new friends to the relationship that takes on pretty much the world. I don't think I was prepared to take on a relationship after Him, and I don't think I should've so willingly. But I did, and I want it to work. I do. I just don't see how it will, when I'm continually facing someone else, and when I can see how it hurts you. I don't want that to happen. Because it would prove Him right. It would also fuck up all of my morals, which would just be annoying.

There is nothing I can say to truly explain how I feel because I care about you, and I don't want to hurt you. I know you said today that I need to make a decision between yes and no. But I can't make that decision, because it's more based on whether you think it's worth it, and whether our relationship is important enough, because when I asked, the answer to both of those questions, was, I don't know.

Thank you for what you've done. When I texted you today I really needed back what you used ot be to me, support and comfort. Obviously I shouldn't look for that in you anymore. I still trust you, which is something to say after everything conversation I've had about you since I started talking to your friends. I'm sure you have reasons for the things you told them that never happened, and I'm sure in some way it was better that you told them that. But I wish that you had been honest with me. I wish that we had always been completely honest with each other, about everything, even the conversations we had with people. Most of all, I wish neither of us had ever felt like there was something we couldn't tell each other.

I really am sorry for everything that has gone on. I'm sorry for the way things turned out. I would change a few things if I could. Not all of them, but a few. You've been really mature about everything, I know you said I underestimate your maturity, but I don't think I do. Because of how well you know me, I'm quite sure you knew what I was thinking when I text you today. If you don't, then I have given you too much credit for knowing me so well. I think you understood everything today, but you chose to be mature and take it as you can, to make sure that you aren't hurting anyone in the process, and yet again, though it doesn't mean much anymroe, I'm proud of the way you're acting, and I'm proud of you.

I'm so God Damn glad I can trust you. You have no idea how difficult today would have been for both of us had I not been able to. Thank you, for making it so easy to trust you. I'm proud of you for turning away.

You made life easier today, and I'm glad I have you to talk to about everything. You honestly do help. In more ways than one.

You're still the same to me

I know how much I miss you being mine, but I also know how much I'm glad I'm not yours. I had so many problems with you, everything kept hurting and I know it was the same for you, and now I have someone I can trust, and someone that makes me happy (though he also has his moments).

I'm proud of you for the way you've taken everything in the most part, and basically I'd like to say thank you for being you, and apologising, I know it would've taken a lot. I respect you, adn I still care about you.

I'm sorry for how I've hurt you since the beginning but it shows us something now, that we couldn't see before. That we weren't right together, maybe it was wrong timing, maybe we just don't click properly. THe good times were good. The bad times were shit. I'm sorry we couldn't sort through it all.

I don't want you to feel like I'm saying this in a sense that I don't care about my boyfriend, I do, he's really good to me. I'm saying this in a sense that he knows that I can't just stop caring about you.

Look, I'm having some real problems trying to make everything that goes on in my head clear to you, so I have to tell you that I do care about you. And the only reason I'm having doubts is becauseI still care about him, and when he apologised, I had some real issues stopping myself from saying something that would hurt you. I don't want him to be right, and I don't want to hurt you. I'm glad I make you happy, and I want it to stay that way. You're really important to me, and your family is amazing.

I also have the "other" problem.

I can't deal with immaturity all the time

I can't take being worried

I can't be the one to push you

I shouldn't be the one to do it for you

I'm not sure where we're going or how we're going ot get there, but what counts is, we're both willing to try.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry over you (stolen Cassie)

I tried acting like I didn't give two shits about whatever you had to say.

Fuck I was nice to the new girl, but you can't help yourself from saying shit that you know will get to me. You have this inconsideration that is incredible when it comes to me. I don't know why you do it. I don't know why you fucked me around like you did. And I don't know why you continue to try and stir shit. I make him happy and you know it, and apparently and seemingly you don't like it. As good of a friend as you are to him I'm sick of the way you get to me. There's nothing I can do about the relationship between you and him.. But I have this constant need to tell you to fuck off and leave me alone. Or be decent.

Telling my boyfriend that the new girl is the best you've ever had in spite of me, is not decent. Or caring.. It's bull shit.

I'm friends with your friends now, and though you think there's parts of them who don't like me for what I've done, I don't care. They're nice to me, and in fact stick up for me. They're the type of friends that I'm glad you had to support you when we were fighting. And I'm glad Eben has them, and now I'm glad I have them too.
There are people who hate me, and people who hate you, but I have to tell you. The people who hate you, hate you because of you, not because I talk shit. The people who USED to hate me and no longer do, hated me because of you. There's a big difference. They didn't know me.

I used to think I could change what the boys in my year thought about you. I changed it, for a moment, and then realized the one they knew, is the you that I never saw. And it was the you I should've seen.

I'm sure there are things that you regret about us, because it left us both fucked over. And I'm sorry for that. Atleast I can apologise, and atleast I can take the heat for what I do wrong. You had your friends calling me a slut. Don't deny it, because my boyfriend told me so, and strangely enough, I believe him, and your his friend, and you shouldn't call him a liar.

Yes, I know I can be hypocritical, too clingy, not good enough at this and that. You've told me all of that. But you loved me, and dispite popular beliefs, I loved you too. And that's something I can't change, the memories will stick. Seeing you hurts. And I knwo talking to me hurts you, but staring at me, and catching me staring at you. That's fucked up. After everything we've been through you'd expect we were past the immaturity. That we were strong enough to deal with whatever.

You told me on the Friday, that was it. And the next day you find out about me and him and you say that we're in a relationship. There was a reason I hadn't told you. But you know me better than anyone, I'm sure you'll figure it out yourself. One day.

I got sick of waiting for you, I got sick of you caring about what other people thought. I felt so much like I was wrong for you because you didn't want to be seen with me.
At school it would be a smile. At the plaza it'd be that you were letting go of my hand if we came into sight of people that might know us.

I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough to fit the mould you had.

You know me better than anyone.

You know what I feel.

You know how I think.

So think about it.

As for you. Jesus fucking Christ.

What do you expect when you do things like tell me you're talking to him and then ask me if I was cheating on him? WHY would you ask me that? It's definately going to upset me. Why wouldn't it? Seriosuly. He hurt me, and I hurt him. He knows me better than anyone atm, and you let him manipulate you into doing things that hurt me and you don't even knwo it. We've already had this conversation, it's at that point where I don't understand how you couldn't know what was going on.

I adore you and you've been amazingly understanding, but there are a few things I just can't explain to you. Things he understood, that you won't get for awhile, because I had him for a long time. Thank you for accepting everything that's going on. Thank you for sticking up for me, when you know that he's saying somethign against me.

I honestly appreciate the things you've done for me.

You've shown me that the boys don't hate me like I was led to believe and that there are omre important things in life than what I had.

You've been good to me, and your family has been amazing.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for trying to understand everything that's been going on..

Thank you for letting me deal with it my way..

You're absolutely brilliant.